"Where The Critters At?"

One thing I have to admit about working Commercials is parking the crew early in the morning. Everyone wants to park next to their trailer to donwload or just be close. They'll tell me, "I'll be 5 minutes" What that really means is they're parking in that  spot all day. The best thing is when I'm out in the open directing cars where to park and when they just fly by me, I have to go and put them in the right spot, I always get " Why didn't you tell me before I turned off my car" Of course my nice response is " Well dumbshit, if you were paying attention to me, you would of known where to go and we wouldn't be having this conversation".
Our basecamp is so huge (8th and Francisco in LA)  So I could see how someone could get confused, but if everyone followed the signs, then they wouldn't have any problems. Nice car pulls up next to me...

GUY: I need to park over there.

He points over to the trailers.

ME: You background?

GUY: Background? No, I'm Atmosphere talent.

(I know it's only 5am but I'm not that stupid)

ME: Okay Atmosphere Talent parking is over there.

I point to the furthest of the huge parking lot.

GUY: Why way over there?

ME: Are you Client?

GUY: No,

ME: Are You the Producer, Director, Talent?

GUY: No.

ME: Are you fucking the Producer, Director Talent or anyone from the Agency?

GUY: No.

ME: Well that's why your parking over there.

The guy speeds off quickly down the parking lot. Now if he would of been cool with me and just say he's background and not pull that "this guard is stupid and use Atmosphere talent on me" I would of parked him much closer. We have over 400 extras today, on the other side of the parking lot is another commercial. I park everyone in our crew and chase out the other crew cars from the other production. I grab my breakfast then I leave my guard the details of basecamp duty and head over towards set. I walk through the parking lot and notice the other security guard (Trojan Security) giving me dirty looks. (alot of other security companies hate us!)

We film on the corner of 8th and Figueroa, damn this place is so busy and crowded with people. All day long were at this location and all day I couldn't put my finger on it but something was missing. My attention is taken to the RTD bus that stops on our corner, the bus driver and one of the passengers is fighting. The passenger gets out of the bus and runs up to one of our retired officers we have on set

*MENTAL NOTE*

The officers you see on a movie set are not active, they're all Retired, Bickering Racial, Grumpy Older men that are over paid guys who do nothing but sit around and eat off the craft service table sleep sitting on their bikes, read the paper all day long ( I really mean that, never seen someone stretch out the paper for the whole day before) or hang in the Moho trailer all day long. The worst part is all they do is complain about how they just came off another movie last night and they had no sleep and their making all this money. I always tell them, if you hate what your doing, then retire already for good. you old cranky bastards
So our officer on set tells the lady what anyone of us would of, call the police yourself. The police show up, apparently there was this passenger who was just about to get on the bus when the driver closed the door on them before they could fully entered. The only thing is the person's arm was caught and the bus dragged them for about 50 feet, before the passenger behind the driver and other passengers joined in to help the person being dragged by the bus, ( I wonder if this story will make the news) started beating on her.
Everyone on set starts talking about the incident, when this couple behind me ask the same question. I look down and realized what it was that I haven't seen since I been here.
The couple was in their mid 40's, they were walking their dog.

ME: That's the first dog that I seen today, matter of fact first critter that I seen today.

Now when I say critter I mean Rat, Roach, stray cats, or stray dogs, things you see in LA. I didn't even see any Pigeons!

WIFE: It's funny that you say that, cause since the New LA has been in progress there's alot of things missing.

ME: Well I'm just talking about the usual Rats, and Pigeons that flood these streets.

MAN: That's becuase their killing the pigeons too.

ME: Who is?

WIFE: The City.

MAN: Ever since these fucking yuppies have been moving in to the city, the Government is doing everything they can to clean this city up in a hurry.

WIFE: Somebody is dropping poison on the ground for the strays, rats and bugs to eat.

ME: What makes you say that?

WIFE: This is our 11th dog in 6 months.

ME: What happened to your other dogs?

WIFE: Poisoned!

MAN: We been mapping out every street we walk, and  know what streets their dropping this stuff at. We have other friends who lost their pets walking the same routes we have.

WIFE: Have you not noticed the homeless are dissapearing? There's no pigeons anywhere.

ME: Do you thinks they're poisoning the homeless too?

MAN: No, their just dropping them off in different neighborhoods.

( I can vouch for that one, seen it done many times. More on that later)

WIFE: You can't sell studio lots for Four hundred thousand and leave trash outside their windows, you need to clean it up  to attract people.

MAN: My belief is that alot of these tai wan restaraunts opening up are using the stray dogs and cats for meals on their menu's, people in this town love  that shit yet they don't know what it is.

WIFE: They think its trendy.

I knew of places in Monterey Park doing this but didn't know about places in LA, mental note.. bring own sack lunch when working in Downtown LA.

MAN: If you see anyone pouring something on the ground, shoot the mother fuckers!!

ME: Um, yeah sure.

What's really bizarre is that this isn't the first time I heard this before.

"What's wrong with this Picture?"

Wow back at lacy Studios once again, feels like I never left. Last time I was here I had that killer hiding under the staircase (Pretty scary stuff) Tonight I'm working on this movie "NEXT DAY AIR" This up and coming Director from the Music video world is shooting this flick. (I gotta tell you, the many and many entourage and hours I did on this show you would think this was a music video movie)

So I'm walking around keeping my eye on the prostitutes and drug dealers doing their biz across from us in the park when a transpo guy comes up to me.

TRANSPO: Did you hear they broke into 2 crew cars.

ME: No, Where were the cars parked?

TRANSPO: Down there. (he points to the end of the street)

ME: Why would they park way over there, when crew parking is right over here?

TRANSPO: Cause their dumbshits.

I find out later one of the cars belong to the special effects son and the other one belong to one of the actors.

EFFECTS: This is fucking bull shit, we have security and cars still get broken into. This is fucking so Ridiculous!

ME: You know that's so true, I mean why would someone park way down the block in the dark and especially in Highland Park. The best part is we have 2 parking lots with security guards in them and both lots have plenty of parking available, yet they choose to park on the street when theirs no security. That does sound Ridiculous.

EFFECTS: Why could'nt you just do your job better.

ME: I did do my job, my post is here not down the block. You been working in this biz for a long time, so you should no better not to park a car down the street away from eye sight.

EFFECTS: Well didn't you hear anything? Aren't you guys like Super Security Guards, isn't that why the line Producer uses you.

ME: I'm sorry but my super bionic hearing only picked up the dogs barking from the pound (which is across the street from us) and the car noise from the  freeway (which is also across from us) so way down the end of the block just wasn't able to be heard. And my infra red eye sight, well that upgrade hasn't been planted in me just yet.

EFFECTS: It's 1 in the morning and the Security Guard has jokes.

He walks away angry. The actor who's truck was broken into was a little more nicer.

ACTOR: I'm not mad at you, it was my fault to park my truck so far away when I should of parked my truck in one of the lots. I was just in a hurry to sign in and do my thing. It's all good brother.

The Special Effects guy must of told crew members about the cars being broken into, cause the rest of the night I kept getting crew members checking on their cars in the lot. I had to keep telling everyone it wasn't in the lot the cars were broken into but way down the end of the block. That's one little detail that Special Effect guy left out.

The night did get better got the chance to meet FERGIE (from black eye peas) she was visitng a friend on another film crew here. wow, is she so hot. Talked to her many times every time she came out to her car. I let her park in our crew parking since her friends film crew didn't have any crew parking. (mental note, bring carry camera on me at al times)

Another interesting thing about that night is after the crew was all gone, around 3:30 am we had 2 prostitute customers fight over the same prostitute who in fact was the ugliest looking creature to walk this planet. After being stabbed twice in the leg the guy finally left in defeat while the guy who won was too beat up to get serviced from the Prostitute. (go figure)

I know one thing, I'm sure I'll be back here at Lacy Studios before this year is up.

"Will You Move Now?"

Pilot season gotta love these months when life is just about non existent. I'm working on this pilot called "THEM". Our location is good old downtown LA in the old Bank Of America building on Spring and 7th street. Nothing's changes in that area other than the idiots paying close to 3 grand a month on 2 bedroom lofts. Today is a night shoot inside the building, the set is really awesome, Star Tours comes to mind. (can't believe I forgot my friggin camera once again) It's close to 1am, I'm hitting my 16th hour (I still have 6 more hours to go) I see the assistant location manager huddle in the corner.

ME: What's wrong you look stressed out.

LOC.: It's just one of those nights. I'm trying to get people to move here and there and no one's listening to me.

The location Manager is the third on this show. The first 2 leads are gone for the night. I'm told to keep an eye and help out any way I can on this one since she's still new to the business.

ME: Who's not listening to you?

LOC: The damn Make up and Hair and Wardrobe people. I need them to move their chairs away from the doors cause the Fire Marshall doesn't want them blocked.

(Make up, Hair, and Wardrobe the three departments where all of them are total bitches! It's very and I mean very rare that you run into someone in those departments that are actually friendly)

ME: Let me talk to them.

LOC: Really? Thanks Rj.

I walk over to the ladies chatting away while sitting in their chairs.

ME: Excuse me ladies, is it possible you gals can move over to the side. Your blocking a fire exit.

All the ladies sitting stop talking and just stare at me as if I said something wrong.

LADY: This is where we sit.

ME: Okay, but can you sit over here and not here.

LADY 2: No.

LADY 1: Excuse me, were more important than you, why don't you go check on my car and make sure it's safe.

All the ladies start to laugh.

(So you wanna play that way huh? okay I'll play)

I walk back to the location manager.

LOC: Well? what they say?

I start grabbing food from the craft service table.

ME: They said no.

LOC: I knew it, the Fire Marshall's going to come in and yell at me. This is not good.

ME: No one's going to be yelling at anyone. Give me 5 minutes.

I walk back over the ladies. I casually walk behind them and pretend to check the doors, instead I start dropping the food that I collected from the craft service table. What people don't realize that no matter what they do to get rid of the homeless in LA, they'll never get rid of the Rats, and in this building there are tons of RATS! One of my guards who worked the night shift here even lost his plate of food from these rats.

I head back to the location manager.

LOC: What did you do?

ME: Just wait, give it around 10 minutes. Maybe less.

I walk outside here the PA's shout ROLLING! HOLD ALL WORK! No sooner did they start to roll film is when shouts and screams came from the Make up, Hair, and Wardrobe people.

LADIES: RATS! RATS! There all over the place!

Many of the girls on set ran out of the building screaming even some of the Producers (hope I don't get in trouble) As the commotion slowed down the Pa's clean up the food that I dropped on the ground.

LOC: Your so mean Rj.

ME: I got them to move didn't I.

LOC: That you did, that you did.

The next morning the main location manager gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek for helping out her niece. Just another day in Paradise.

"The Gay Net"

I have to say I'm starting to think twice about this security gig, when I first started this job I thought maybe this isn't for me but since working on this movie ("The Net" with Sandra Bullock) I got to eat really good food, meet very cool celebrities (Sandra Bullock) I would say the same about Dennis Miller but he was an asshole but then again he was okay with me towards the end of the show. Tonight were at this location in Santa Monica, not far from the ocean. One of the Ad's ask if I can go with their PA who's going to be stopping foot traffic from entering their shot. Sure not a problem. I walk over to the spot. Now where they posted me didn't seem like many people were going to be walking thru. There were bushes on both sides on this corner street. Now if I couldn't see the film crew from way down the block how in the hell could they see someone on the camera. I could understand if it was across the other side of the street but 4 blocks down? I don't get it. There's no film crew around, maybe some cables. Come to think of it there's not even anyone walking on the streets at 11:45 at night here in Santa Monica.

The PA walks up to me. He's wearing this thin tan top with like short short 80's type style shorts with tennis shoes.

PA: Looks like you and I will be here for a few hours.

ME: I guess.

PA: Don't sound so sour, we should make the best of this.

ME: The best of this all the action is over there. over here it's quiet. (come to think of it it's also pretty dark over here)

PA: I love the quietness, running around hearing all the screaming on the radios can be so stressing.

The PA starts rubbing his shoulders while using his other hand to rub his stomach from the inside of his shirt.

PA: Man I could us a good rub down right about now. How good are you with your hands?

ME: (why would a guy ask another guy that question?) Not good at all.

PA: You sure, you seem like your muscles on your arm can do some work in a massage.

I stay quiet.

He takes off his tan top and tucks it in his shorts, while letting the rest hang out.

PA: So you have a girlfriend? boyfriend? married?

(Boyfriend? what the fuck!)

ME: I'm not really dating anyone right now. These hours are hard to get myself in a relationship.

PA: Yea it does get pretty lonely, but you can still find romance on a movie set.

As he's talking to me I didn't realize that he was using his hands rubbing his legs, chest and even nipples. I was too busy concentrating on my surroundings.

I try to change the scene up a little.

ME: Damn it's pretty dark over here I think i should go get my flashlight.

PA: No worries, I'm well trained in the Martial arts form, and I have my trusty flashlight with me.

He pulls his flashlight from his faded red backpack.

PA: Beside, the lights from the streets would fade out the great scenery. Look at the stars don't they just look so glimmerous and so romantic at the same time.

Okay, now this is weird.

ME: ( i look up) Yeah stars look cool.

I try to get this guy to put back on his shirt cause all this body rubbing is very not cool.

ME: Damn, it's pretty cold tonight. Aren't you cold?

PA: It's not cold it's just right.

ME: I'm wearing a jacket and your wearing Go GO dancer shorts, I know you have to be cold if Im cold.

The Pa looks down on his chest. 

PA: Oh I see, because my nipples are hard that's why you think I'm cold right? And what's wrong with these shorts? These shorts are totally styling.

ME: Yeah back when Farrah Faucett wore them.

PA: What?

ME: Nothing.

PA: Well if your cold you can do what they used to do back in the days and stand next to me so both our body heats can heat us up.

Me: I'm not that cold.

PA: You know I'm glad that i got to pick you from the security guards to be posted with me way over here. 

Just then my father comes from around the corner.

GP: What are you two little bitches doing way back here in the dark?

PA: I'm just getting to know your son more. I think he has a lot of potential and a very special skill.

GP: Yeah well, it's time for us to go home. Our reliefs came in.

THANK GOD!

GP: You lil bitches can continue your gossiping tomorrow at work, I'm not coming in so Rj here can work the late shift since we won't be car pooling.

(Say what?)

PA: Guess I'll be seeing that chubby cute smile of your tomorrow Mr. RJ!

We walk back towards the truck.

GP: What the fuck was that all about? Your making money on the side by sucking dick in the bushes?

ME: (sarcastic) yeah you didn't know. He's one wierd Production assistant.

What I don know is that I'm feeling a cold coming in right about now.. *cough* cough*, looks like I'm calling in sick tomorrow and the rest of the days this Pa is working.