"Wow, Really?"

So I'm on this baseball related commercial with Tommy Lasorda. In the commercial he helps other baseball fans not to be ashamed of their teams that didn't make it in the playoffs.
 Which reminds me, to all you DODGER fans; ever wonder why they call themselves Dodger Blue? They lose so much and never go anywhere, which make their fans Blue...
Okay our first day we shot over in Long Beach, Tommy Lasorda's character tells this guy sitting up in a tree to come down while a little girl plays the piano. Our next day was at a house just around the corner from our last set and this time Tommy's character has to get a family from hiding under the kitchen sink. Our 3rd day we shoot over at the USC campus, at one of their prestige’s sorority's (That's what they say) I'm watching Tommy in the building, (he didn't want any students bothering him) So I'm looking at the many pictures they have up in the place. Many of the crew and myself notice there's something wrong with the wall of pictures. There's no color. I mean every girl looked blonde, brunette blue eyes, and green eyes. Talk about Step ford Wives society. Today was a big day for Tommy; he wanted to see Maddox pitch for the first time for the dodgers. While they're setting up the TV room for Tommy, since the Clients for this commercial put that together to make Tommy happy. I'm standing around talking to the pa's. Two of them were Brazilian, just something about those Brazilian girls (Muy Beautiful!!)...Things that make you go Hmm. So these sorority sisters were just staring at us.

 PA: Those girls keep on staring I'm going to go over and kick her ass!

(I could go for a good catfight right about now)

One of the girls approaches us. That pa just might get her wish. The girl, tall athletic, beautiful, light blonde hair blue eyes Colgate smile looks at me.

GIRL: We were wondering what Fraternity are you with?

I look back maybe their talking to someone behind me.

GIRL: I'm talking to you. My sisters and I want to know what Fraternity is Security.

I'm stunned with silence.

GIRL: We notice that it must be a minority fraternity.

I had four other guards working with me today, and they're all black hence the minority comments. The girl turns around to her fellow sisters.

GIRL: I don't think he speaks English.

Another sorority sister walks up, speaking in very bad Spanish.

ME: I speak English.

GIRL: Then why didn't you answer?

ME: I don't speak stupid.

The girls are shocked.

GIRL: Excuse you.

ME: No excuse you. Do you really believe that I'm in a Fraternity called Security?

They look at each other. They all answer "YES"

ME: I'm a security officer, you know those guys that roam the campus keeping you safe.

They laugh.

GIRL: Oh my, your one of those guys, my daddy say's you guys make no money.

ME: Next time you talk to your daddy, tell him he's wasting his money on his idiotic daughter in college. I've met Monkeys smarted than you!

This is why I'm a UCLA fan. This conversation might seem a little far fetched, but believe when I say this, It was true... very, very true

Got Deer!

Man it's freaking freezing out here in Malibu! But I agreed to do this Army job for a friend of mine (Dave) the job pays really well and it's keeping myself and quite a few of my guards busy. Good think I go back to day shift when we make our move over to the Hospital in Northridge. It's so cold out here I’m peeing Ice cubes! Not only is it cold but also it's so dark I can't really see anything. The location where we are filming is this campsite for Christian kids. Nothing but brush and trees everywhere. I flash my light in all directions and all I see are gleaming eyes staring at me. Yep, I'm sure staying in my truck for most of the night. I'm so focused on trying to stay warm all night long I didn't realize just how fast time flew by. It's already time for the film crew to start making their way in. The sun is starting to shine thru the trees over towering us. I start my morning routine with parking the cars that are starting to arrive. One more hour and I get to go home yes! Somebody calls me from behind. I turn around and it's the Location Manager, Producer, and 1st ad.

LOCATIONS: Hey Rj can we have a word with you.

ME Sure.

LOCATIONS: Follow us.

We start to walk towards the house where the couple for this campsite resides.

PRODCER: So how was the night? Did you do anything exciting?

ME: Nope, pretty boring but very freaking cold and a lot of creepiness all around.

1st AD: So you didn't have any adventures last night?

ME: Any adventures?

LOCATIONS: Were you in your truck all night long or did you venture out?

ME: I don't get what you’re asking.

We get to the counselors house.

PRODUCER: (points to the ground) Can you explain that?

On the doorstep of the house laid a half eaten deer. The only parts were the deer’s head and one arm; the rest of the body was gone.

LOCATIONS: Is there a reason why there's a half eaten deer here at the doorstep?

ME: Whatever ate it was probably full so they left what they couldn't eat. I don't really know.

PRODUCER: Is there a reason why you hate the counselors that live here?

ME: I don't hate them. (How could I? I just met them yesterday)

1st AD: Well they believe you did this.

I start to laugh.

PRODUCERS: This isn’t a laughing manner, I have to explain to them and set this fire out.

ME: Wait. let me get this straight. You think I left a half eaten deer on their doorstep for a prank?

LOCATIONS: Well there have been much stranger things that happen on a film set that I've witnessed through out my years, how else would you explain this carcass.

ME: So your saying that around midnight I felt like getting myself a snack and took out my Rambo knife ran thru the woods hunting for game cut it up cooked it and what I couldn't finish I left on the door step of the counselors. Then proceeded to go to the restrooms wash all the blood from my hands and clothes before the film crew arrives.

All three stay quiet looking at me.

ME: You fucking kidding me right! You figured "hey lets go blame the fat security guy for eating this deer, he must be hungry at night" and not think hey maybe the coyotes or mountain lions around these forest mountains possibly could of did this.

PRODUCER: You know, we didn't even think of that.

(And he's the Producer, go figure)

The Producer and Location Manager walk away.

1st AD: You know I thought it sounded a little silly you doing that to the deer, but you know I have to back them up. It's politics.

ME: Yeah whatever.

I walk away and over to the catering truck where the counselor couple is waiting for their food. I walk right in front of them both.

ME: I don't believe you actually accused me for eating that fucking deer.

GUY: Well we don't think you ate the deer son.

GIRL: We believe you made a sacrifice to the evil spirits that live in this forest.

GUY: Every year our kids are tempted in doing bad things here.

GIRL: (Whispers) We call them the Shadow People.

Not the shadow people again. Man everyone and their fucking shadow people.

(More about the shadow people in the book)

GUY: Son your soul isn't cleansed. You should go back with us to our house after breakfast and I could help you see the light.

ME: The only light I'm going to be seeing in a few minutes is a headlight from other cars when driving home.

GIRL: Don't say we tried to save your soul.

ME: Yeah because I killed a deer and left it for the shadow gods. Your fucking whack!

I start to walk away.

GUY: (shouts) Who else could have done such a demonic thing in our campsite.
I stop and turn around.

ME: Maybe it was Smokey the bear!

GIRL: (Whispers to the guy) Who's Smokey the bear?

GUY: He's that animal that talks to kids about being safe and not talking to strangers.

GIRL: If he's not godly he must be evil.

ME: What? No, Smokey the bear is the animal that says "only you can prevent forest fires" phrase. And it's McGruff the dog that talks about kids not talking to strangers.

They both just stare at me.

ME: You know what? Fuck you! Fuck your camp! And Fuck your shadow people. I'm going home.

I leave for home. Later that day I get a call from my friend Dave who's the UPM for this commercial.

DAVE: Rj I heard you ate a deer then hit Smokey the bear with your truck.

ME: Fuck you!

It's funny how rumors can get out of hand on a film set. Dave gives me my call time for the next day. Damn it's going to be good to be on the day shift and out of that campsite.

I arrive the next day. I'm called on the walkie we have an emergency in crew parking. I get over there right away and even have a few of the other guards posted near by to make their way over there as well. When I get to the spot I see the Producer and Dave next to my truck.

PRODUCER: Hey Rj, can you explain this?

He moves out of the way and there tied to my truck is a big sized stuffed toy deer with a note attached. The note read "PLEASE DONT EAT ME!!" I turn around and majority of the crew is laughing at the prank.

Yes, it's going to be one of those days